Dominic Andrew got lost on the way His Admiring Partner had to wait and wait “New meeting place today,” the Grand Brother Complimenter began. “But aren’t we all so punctual, properly attired, and… PRETTY, I dare say!” “SORRY I’M LATE! Oh shit…” Brother Andrew gasped as he sped in through the back. And Suzanne stood to greet him, until there came a sharp THWACK from Grand Sister Knack. “Brother Dominic and Sister Suzanne will remain APART for the duration of this meeting!” She intoned. And Brother Dominic gasped, and had the nerve to ask: “Why?” Trouble at the Mutual Admiration Society Protocol is trampled on Gaping loss of sobriety Dominic and Suzanne kept apart by Hierarchy No one in town thinks their admiration deserves to continue They’re kept apart by parents who treat them like they’re adolescents Miles separate them, so they talk for hours on the telephone Where they’re monitored through electronic stethoscopes Motels and beaches and parks are on watch This hotbed of mutual admiration must be stopped “You godawful stuffed shirts, this society sucks And should be buried waist deep in radioactive dirt You can all mutually admirate yourselves to the grave! “Suzanne and I are really in love And that ain’t the same That’s not your game Brothers and Sisters “I will hereby break my vow and reveal… THE SECRETS. THESE ARE THE SECRETS OF THE MUTUAL ADMIRATION SOCIETY AS I KNOW THEM By Brother Dominic Andrew 1. At the initiation ceremony, those who are deemed worthy of Mutual Admiration are marched into a large auditorium blindfolded while a cheesy cassette player blasts out tinny simulated volcanic eruptions while Society Members wave fans back and forth across your path, making you sneeze 2. After being paraded around until your sense of direction is completely screwed, you’re asked to dance the Sacred Mutual Admiration Bop with your partner to a secret music recording that has never been heard outside a Mutual Admiration Society Hall. Here it is: “Poindexter… HOLLOWAY!” 3. The blindfolds are then removed, and you discover that everyone is wearing desert boots on their hands and Glad three-ply trash bags on their heads with little eye holes cut out; sort of like a low-rent junkyard Ku Klux Klan. 4. Then you are made to recite a long list of platitudes to your Mutual Admiration partner, gushing forth with admiration on stuff you actually can’t stand, like… well… Eating habits Hay fevers Hair Length Histories of psychiatric counseling A pledge is then exacted in which you swear to mutually admirate until such time that the society dictates, and all of this is secret until the day you die, and then the consummation. Yes, in front of everyone, you have to… you have to… ADMIRE.